Gibberish is My Native Language

The Last of the Mohicans

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 04:36:45 GMT

This will be last post on LiveJournal -- the migration to my new site is good enough to get this thing going. I've written a welcome post just for you LJ readers, so please start there. Please readjust your RSS feeds, links, bookmarks, autospammers, and autobots to:

journal.drfaulken.com

LJ, we hardly knew ye ;)

The Migration Begins

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 05:19:42 GMT

Welp, with almost 250 entries under my belt, I am going to move away from LiveJournal and onto WordPress, which is the same software used by my buddy Stilts.

LiveJournal is great for community discussions -- like my friends badmagic and $sheWithMultipleLJIndentities, whose more public LJ I cannot seem to differentiate from her less-public LJ right now. Anyway, the nice thing about reading these journals is that they're more like "omg, I found this cool thing!" or "I had this weird idea, what do you think?" and then all sorts of folks come out of the woodwork to weigh in. It's like Ars, except on a much more intimate scale.

If you're into more of a Dear Diary approach, like my friend Fish Sprout, then Blogger (or LJ with the comments turned off) is a great choice. I've added some commentary to Fish Spout's blog a few times, but for the most part, it's her monologue about doing kind things, like doing another benefit run for cancer.

I, on the other hand, am not very successful at getting my readers involved. I tend to post reviews, or link and runs. I have quite a few motorcycle entries, but aside from that, my posts are more informative than conversational. As such, my LJ has turned into more of a content management tool instead of a diary -- and at this LJ is not the best. I was trying to find an article the other day for a buddy of mine, and I had to go through each month's archive in order to find it. Google's Blog Search is still a long way from indexing all of LJ. Google says that most blogs were indexed around this time last year, but most of my posts are not indexed. LJ's tag display system is lacking -- I had to cobble together the Show All Tags link, which most of you probably didn't even know was there. I would really prefer for these tags to be displayed via a dropdown select box, so that you could more easily navigate to whatever you were interested in. Alas, this is not an option.

So anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that starting Real Soon Now™ I will be migrating my content off of LJ to a new Web site of my own. I already have a wiki set up to house things like my AIM Encryption Instructions, and a gallery so that I don't have to upload things to ImageShack if I choose.

Hang tight, this should be a bumpy ride ;)

Now with half the fat!

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 00:57:24 GMT

So, it's the end of my second group of sessions with my trainer. As such, it was time for a fat caliper test. I knew that I was still losing fat around my midsection, but I felt guilty for slacking on my cardio schedule and for eating more cheese than I have in awhile. I make a grilled chicken breast, ham, and jack cheese sammich that is too awesome to ignore. Anyway, I got pinched. My first test from mid-March was a little off due to a different person doing a different caliper test, so my trainer and I decided that my base fat percentage was about 21%.

My triceps, rib area, and quads either went down very slightly or stayed the same. I have very very little fat on my quads, and Steve Jr mostly got skin. I don't have OMG MUSCLES! popping out, but the days of chasing that squirrel is over. My chest went up this time, which was kind of interesting, but not a big deal. The big change was in my stomach, I went down about 30% from my last measurement. I guess my body is finally done storing those french fries and tater tots I gave up a month and a half ago. My overall bodyfat percentage is now 14.1%, or as Ms. Parr would put it, I am "cut."

Anyway, for those who give a shit, here are some stats for the day. In the last three months I have: had a total weight reduction of five pounds. I have gained ten pounds of muscle and lost about fifteen pounds of fat. If I can shed another 2% body fat, I'll be extremely happy and will consider my fat loss journey to be at an end. With some determination (and more cardio), I should hit my goal in time for my birthday.

Costco Gold Kist Farms frozen chicken

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 17:15:01 GMT

Yes, I am about to write about chicken breasts.

I normally buy a brace of chicken breasts from Costco and bag them, two at a time, in small Ziploc bags. I freeze the little chicken bits until I need them for grilling, and then I put them in the fridge the night before. While not particularly wracked with hardship, I didn't like this system for a few reasons. The first reason was that the chicken breasts were a little too large to both be in one small back, but too small to be put in a larger back. I know this speaks terribly of some sort of container-compulsion issues I may have, but damn if I didn't get peeved by having to smash two chicken breasts into a small bag. Secondly, it sucks having to bag ten pairs of chicken breasts.

I walked into Costco, prepared to buy my usual six pound package of chicken breasts, when low and behold I find that Costco now has packages of chicken already packaged in pairs in rip-off plastic pouches. I almost squealed in delight. Until I saw, next to the plain chicken breasts, pre-marinated chicken breasts packaged in the same fashion! I snatched up a package of each, and have been happily consuming them as fast as I can. The marinated set comes in three marinades: roasted garlic and herb, lemon herb, and teriyaki. We haven't had the teriyaki ones yet, but the roasted garlic and lemon were both very good.

The chicken is hormone and preservative free. It does have approximately 3% per volume added water, but that doesn't bother me so much. The plain chicken is $2.59 a pound and the marinated chicken is something like $3.29 a pound. Not super bargains, but better than what I could get at a regular grocery store, barring any sale on their house brand, steroidal chicken.

With two packs of plain chicken remaining, I'm due for another round of bock-bocks from Costco. I feel like these are perfect for bachelor/ettes and couples. The only thing I would change about them is that the perforated areas between the packages aren't often weak enough to tear cleanly, so I've been using scissors. I also wish each individual bag was easier to open. Again, scissors solve that, but if we're really focusing on convenience, I'd like to see a little bit more attention paid to this sort of thing.

Costco Gold Kist Farms, I individually bag and freeze four and a half out of five STFU mugs!

Bye bye bookmarks

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 05:13:16 GMT

I periodically go through my bookmarks and clean them up. I either delete them outright, or shove them in a folder called "Archives." Or, at least, there used to be a folder called Archives. I moused over the folder in Firefox and found that all (but one) of my archived bookmarks were gone.

I'm not sure how or why most of my archived bookmarks got deleted -- we did have a pretty nasty power outage today and my workstation died -- but if my bookmarks file was corrupted, I'd expect it to be a total loss, instead of a partial one.

[edit]
Luckily, the latest version of Firefox makes nightly backups of your bookmarks. I dug one out from the 5th, and my archives were complete. The file definitely changed yesterday (technically yesterday, the 6th). I've managed to get all of my bookmarks back thanks to the older version, but I am not happy to have lost my bookmarks in the first place. If FF didn't have the backup function, I would have been SOL.

Birds and Berries

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 16:08:03 GMT

Last weekend, Lady Jaye and I traveled up to Baltimore to see the Yankees beat the Orioles on Saturday. It was a great game and a real nail biter, as the game went into an extra 10th inning. We had a pre-game meal at the Wharf Rat, where we spent our first date. We were afraid it was going to rain, but the weather cleared right up. Saturday was perfect.

On Sunday, we visited the Chesterfield Berry Farm to pick some strawberries. It was powerfully hot last week, and I was afraid we wouldn't find too many good strawberries left. Quite the contrary, we picked about ten pounds before calling it a day and coming home. I froze 3/4 of it to use for smoothies later, and we have been slowly picking off the rest.

Nor rain, nor snow, nor baking heat can stop the motorcyclist

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 20:54:18 GMT

I zipped out on my bike today to visit Lady Jaye, who was taking a break between shifts downtown. We wanted to grab a bite, so I motored up the highway to meet her in Super Suburbia™, where all of our favorite restaurants are. The temperature was about 86 when I left, with the heat index rounding us up to about 90 - 92. I wasn't particular nervous about the heat, having made a pilgrimage downtown in similar conditions last week in full leather. I put on my perforated leather pants, jacket, my riding boots, and my new textile-mesh-leather gloves. Underneath I wore "Wickers" brand wicking leggings and a compression-fit wicking long sleeve top from Old Navy, of all places.

The ride out was actually quite pleasant. It was a bit overcast and windy. It was almost not-hot riding along at 80MPH on the freeway, and the little gusts of colder air the flared up my helmet every now and then was a welcome change from the heat. The temperature was less tolerable when I got off the freeway and onto the surface street. Standing still at lights coupled with the radiant heat from the pavement made me glad I wasn't too far from my destination.

Lunch was yummy, and after kissing my gal goodbye I stopped to get gas. I had my first fuck up filling up today -- the pump didn't shut off when my tank was full, and I dumped about a quarter gallon of gas out before I realized what was happening. I pushed my bike beyond the already evaporating spill and started up. I rolled back onto the highway and was anticipating my ride home when a bug hit my visor.

Except it wasn't a bug. It was a rather large raindrop. Followed by another. And another.

This was the first time I'd been caught far from home in the rain. I'd half-hoped it would happen, and I'm glad that it was on a warm day like today as opposed to when I was riding in 40 degree temps. I gave the bike a little bit of gas and laughed out loud. I was surrounded by the scent of fresh rain, and then I was subjected to a full-on downpour. I was stuck behind a Wal*Mart semi-truck driving 70, but I was hesitant to change lanes in the rain without knowing who was in the right hand portion of the two lane highway. A long snake of cars grew behind the Wal*Mart truck until we had enough, and myself and four cars passed him. I gave him a little hornage for good measure.

Richmond is very much like Maryland when it rains. Everyone loses their shit and slams on their brakes. As such, it took me about ten minutes to get home from the offramp. All the while I was caught in a soaking rain, and nervous about getting rear ended. A truck full of lawn car guys drove by and I got a round of applause and a war-whoop from one of the passengers. Aside from being apprehensive about the cars around me and worrying about my bike getting wet, I actually enjoyed my first time out in a storm.

Human-animal hybrid?

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 17:15:04 GMT

To embarrass myself into more cardio time, it's time for the monthly development shots.

The front

Holy shit, I'm starting to look like a real person! If my trainer can make my abs show, he will trick my body into doing something it's never done before. More fat loss around the waistline, and some more chest development.

The back

My back and my quads are my lucky spots. There's a big improvement here. You can also see my triceps peeking out. I have no idea what those muscles are on the left side of my lower back, but they weren't showing when we started.

The side

I had to flip this picture because I was facing the wrong way (honey, don't freak). Thinner, but still have a long way to go.

I feel a lot better about myself. The core (stomach and back) exercises I am doing now are pretty sweet. I've had a few people stop and watch me do them with while my trainer supervises. While you can't see them, the muscles I'm the most proud of over this time period are my abs.

Another 60 minutes of cardio down yesterday, bringing my weekly total up to 120. I have at least two more cardio sessions to go this week -- I am hoping to get involved in a spinning class and maybe start swimming again.

Plantronics Discovery 640 Bluetooth Headset Review

Wed, 31 May 2006 22:32:22 GMT

One of the things I was most excited about when I purchased my new E815 cell phone was acquiring a Bluetooth headset. At the time, I still had the potential of traveling up to Rockville every two weeks and out to California once a month. Having a handsfree kit was really attractive, and the thought of not having a corded headset was very appealing.

The problem with Bluetooth headsets, and my highest-priority criteria, is that it could not be the size and shape of a damn Star Trek phaser. It's the rage out here to wear big-ass Motorola ear pieces that flash blue every few seconds. HAY GUYS, I CAN'T MISS THIS EMPORTANTE CALL FRUM MAH WIFEY!!

The second criteria was range (the longer the better), then sound quality, and then price.

After some wrangling around, I selected the Plantronics Discovery 640. Plantronics has a very solid reputation, and I have three corded Plantronics headset in the house (one for my VOIP business line, two gaming headsets). I figured I couldn't go wrong with the Discovery 640, which is as tiny and discreet as a Bluetooth headpiece could be. I also read that the clarity was good and the range was about 20' according to some reviews online. I made the purchase and waited for UPS to show.

When my headset arrived, I was pleased with the packaging. After reading the reviews online, I knew that the Plantronics Discovery 640 would come with some accessories inside of a nice hardshell case. I'll go over them now, from left to right.

The earclip is optional, hopefully one of the three earbuds will fit inside of your ear. The earpiece itself is quite small and thin (I said the EARPIECE). The other goodies are really neat -- the top bit on the right is the recharging housing for the earpiece. The bottom attaches to the (not pictured) AC adapter or the middle pictured piece. The middle piece clips onto the top piece and recharges your headset via the battery. If you own a Nokia, Motorola, Siemens, or Ericsson/Sony phone, you can leave the Plantronics AC adapter at home by using one of the other four pieces pictured at the bottom.

I charged the earpiece up, and easily mated it to my E815. Over the next three months, I used the earpiece primarily in my car or outside. I did use the earpiece a handful of times inside when I wanted both hands free.

Physically, I liked the Discovery 640. It is very beautiful, and as non-obtrusive as a Bluetooth headset is going to get. The mid-sized earbud fit me just fine and was very comfortable. Accessing the power/multifunction button and the volume control buttons was straightforward and easy. The one complaint I have about the earbud is that you must rotate the earbuds in order to change them for different sizes. Unfortunately, this means that the earpiece gradually rotates down into the "unlock" position during prolonged phone conversations.

The performance of the earpiece can be easily summarized as: "passable if you are within five feet of your phone, indoors, and sitting in a cone of silence." Any other combination of environment, distance, and ambient noise renders the earpiece varying levels of shitacular. More often than not, the party on the other end of the line would complain that I sounded distant, too quiet, or static-y. I found that the further I got from the phone, the more static I would hear. To be honest, it reminded me of the old school analog cell phones. Instead of outright dropping a call, the older handsets would gradually give way to static until there was dead silence.

The voice transmission quality suffered even more when I was in a car. My Montero as bad enough, but the earpiece was 100% unusable in normal conversations in my convertible with the top up. Callers could hear me just fine in both places as long as I did not go handsfree. After my last trip to Rockville, I'd stopped using the Discovery 640 altogether. Why have a handsfree unit if you can't use it in the car? Bah.

Operators are standing by

Ultrasmall, ultralight earpiece avoids that Live Long and Prosper look of other Bluetooth headsets.

Nice packaging.

Easily paired with my phone.

Neat kit of doodads and a novel approach to keeping the earpiece charged.

Busy signals

Sub-standard audio quality under the best of conditions.

The mic is too susceptible to wind/ambient noise.

Short "real world" range, especially when a wall is between you and your handset.

Plantronics Discovery 640, you're sexy but you gotta go:
One and a half STFU mugs

Sacrificial Lamb

Tue, 30 May 2006 21:03:23 GMT

Every once in awhile I will start browsing amazon.com or whatnot looking for recent albums by my favorite artists. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised and find a new album released just a few months ago, or whatever. And sometimes what I discover is a real shot in the nuts. Any time there's a long lapse between releases, I get nervous (Weekend Players, I'm thinking of you). So it was with great trepidation that I started researching the fate of Lamb, one of my favorite bands.

I found out that they have been split up since September of 2004. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me, since I obviously didn't follow the band closely enough to hear about their farewell live performance nearly two years ago. But for some reason, I feel particularly sad about the whole deal. Lou Rhodes, the female vocalist, started her own record label Infinite Bloom, and has a solo album out. By what I read on Amazon today, the electronica melodies present in Lamb aren't a part of her new musical endeavor. Oh well, nothing stays the same forever.

Site Shuffle, Part Two.

Tue, 30 May 2006 17:15:00 GMT

As I wrote last December, I go through cycles of reading new Web sites, or finding that I don't read old ones at all.

I was interested to see how many of the sites I was browsing in December are still on my "high traffic" list, and which ones have dropped off.

High traffic in 12/2005:

FZ6 Forum: I still visit this site at least once a day. Not only has it stayed in the High Traffic category, but I am contributing more than last winter.

The Ars Technica news bits and journal.ars still get some eye-time, but probably even less than before. They have had a few interesting bits about evolution, and I enjoyed reading about the E3 video game trade show coverage. I still visit the fora daily. I'll have my seventh year anniversary there this August.

Friendster has fallen so far down on my browsing list you'd think I didn't have an account there. I've been there maybe two or three times since December, mostly to farm birthdays of my friends onto my Google Calendar.

I stopped playing World of Warcraft a few months ago, and as such I have stopped visiting about four sites a day completely. I visited my old guild's Web site last week, and they're having a meatspace get together. Oddly enough, I missed their last gathering when we all played Dark Age of Camelot. Sad.

My RSS-fed sites (mostly your LiveJournals/other blogs) continue to be my biggest traffic. I may not actually land on these sites several times a day, but I do check to see if they've been updated every hour or two.

New high traffic in 6/2006:

Pandora.com has been really a godsend. I've found a lot of new artists this way, and it's just a great service. It's really too bad that I can't listen to it without the use of a PC or a Squeezebox. I've been listening to Frisky Radio a lot lately because I can stream the audio to my Xboxes.

Sites that were hot but then fell off since 12/2005:

The Pontiac Solstice forum was a multiple-times a day visit until I learned just about everything I could. Most of the traffic now surrounds aftermarket kits I can't afford (such as the drooltacular Hahn turbo kit) or people nitpicking over various issues, like it being too loud with the top down. IT'S A FUCKING ROADSTER, JACKASSES!!!

I played EVE Online for about two months, and joined one of the Ars Technica player-run corporations my buddy Bond belongs to. Unfortunately, the game is just too buggy (even though the game has been out for three years) and the larger corp. vs. corp. battles remind me of Shadowbane too much for me to continue playing. During my knowledge ramp-up on the game, I visited about four boards a day, several times a day. I have eight bookmarks about to go the way of the dodo as soon as my account winds down in June.

Howard Forums' Motorola mobile phone forum was a real contender until I realized that the phone community was either completely comprised of n00blets or mobile phone gurus. Tutorials were either written by people who'd gotten lucky and didn't know what they were doing, or by people who probably do mobile phone seem programming in their sleep. Regardless, I am satisfied with my mostly-stock phone configuration right now and don't visit this site at all any more.

What's new with you? Any particular gems you want to share?

Spin Me Round

Mon, 29 May 2006 18:09:32 GMT

I was busily backing up my DVD movies two days ago. I left my fileserver to encode and burn the DVD for me and went to take a shower. I came back about an hour later (the shower wasn't that long), and noticed that the DVD burner tray was open, but there was no disc in the tray.

I must have forgotten to load a disc, I thought to myself. I put in another dual-layer disc and tried to close the tray.

The tray went about halfway in and then spat the disc back out. Weird. I pushed the tray in again, out the disc came.

I squinted into the drive and noticed a piece of white foam was sticking up where it probably shouldn't be. Maybe the disc got too hot and got stuck in the drive? I grumbled and shut my fileserver off. I pulled the DVD burner out and unscrewed it, giggling at the "BREAKING SEAL VOIDS WARRANTY" sticker on the bottom.

Sure enough, there was a DVD trapped inside, along with the white foam disc (presumably to cushion the laser head) and a black rubber band that is probably used to connect the drive opening/closing gears.

I dug the DVD out and it was scratched more than my back during the heat of passion:

I thought about trying to reattach the foam disc and the rubber band, but the disc looked pretty jacked. I also figured that if my drive broke down under normal conditions, I was sure it would fail again with already tweaked parts. I took these pics for posterity and then junked the drive.

Luckily, the replacement drive is about 1/3 the cost of the original. I also needed an excuse to buy a 16-port switch and some CAT5 cable from the fine folks at Newegg.com. Hopefully my replacement gear will arrive by Wednesday this week.

Face to face

Sun, 28 May 2006 01:39:56 GMT

I have been using Anthony Logistics Shaving Cream for well over a year. As I wrote last August, I hate shaving, and the smooth, thin, slightly minty shaving cream from Anthony's helped make shaving tolerable.

I have gone through two bottles (one small, one large). Instead of ordering another $15 bottle from Mens Essentials, I decided to try a four pack of Edge Advanced Sensitive Skin with Aloe. Standing tall at 9.5oz per can, The entire four pack was $9.99 at Costco. If the Edge gel sucked, I would be out a meager amount, and maybe some of my buddies could use it on their less sensitive, less crazy-to-shave mugs.

The experiment:
The testing procedure was simple: after showering, I applied the Anthony Logistics shaving cream to half of my face using my shaving brush. I applied the Edge gel to the other half of my face, also using the shaving brush. I then proceeded to shave my face with a two-use old Gillette Mach 3 Turbo razor.

Pre-shaving observations:
The Edge gel was much thicker than the Anthony Logistics cream. I would say the gel was at least three times as dense. It was a bit of a hassle getting the gel off of my shaving brush. I was immediately worried that the thicker gel would gum up my razor, resulting in an uneven shave. The Edge gel put a slight tingle on my face, which I theorized later might be due to the palmitic and stearic acid in the product, and possibly isobutane.

Shaving observations:
I shaved the Anthony Logistics side first, as I always shave the right side of my face before the left. I figured this would also balance out the time the shaving product was allowed to set on my skin, since I applied the AL cream first. The Mach 3 Turbo went about its business, with a slight scritch-scritch sound when it hit the most troublesome part of my neck, right where the bottom of my jaw meets my neck. Aside from the slight tug I felt in the Trouble Zone™ I continued my right-side shave without a noticeable incident.

I started on my left side with apprehension. To my surprise, my razor slipped easily across my well-gelled skin. As I expected, I had to rinse my razor out more frequently. It seems like I took slightly less time shaving my left side than my right, but it could have just seemed that way since I was a bit shocked at the Edge's performance. I finished up and rinsed my face with cold water.

Post-shaving observations:
The first thing I noticed after drying my face was that I managed to cut myself on the right side. It was a small nick and nothing serious, but I would have expected any slashing to have occurred on my left side.

The Edge gel smells too much for my preferences. The Anthony Logistics cream smells great, and isn't too heavily scented. I haven't done a full-face shave with the Edge gel yet, and am a little worried that between it, my Dial soap, and my Anthony Logistics aftershave cream I'll smell very ... product-y? I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

The ultimate test:
I asked Lady Jaye to touch my faces later that night. She ran her fingertips across the right and left sides of my throat. "Which one is smoother?" I asked.

"That one," she said, pointing to my Edge side.

Indeed, I thought.

Conclusion:
Well, as much as I hate supporting the mass market, I gotta say for $2.50 a can this Edge is the motherfucking bomb. Holy shit, I spent more on my Americano today than I did for an ENTIRE CAN of this highly flammable product that performed as well, if not better, than my snooty niche market mens' skin care cream.

Anthony Logistics, as much as I've loved you this past year, I have to move on. It's not you, baby. It's me.

Impending Obsession-Compulsion?

Thu, 25 May 2006 21:15:41 GMT

I read a magazine the other day that suggested singing "Happy Birthday to You" in your head while you wash your hands. Apparently it takes ~20 seconds to sing that song, and it was recommended that I spend at least that long washing my hands.

As such, I have been singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Dr.Faulken, happy birthday to you" more this week than I have in the last five years put together. I am beginning to wonder if I am going to develop some sort of disorder, wherein if I actually have to sing that song for its intended purpose I will feel the urge to wash my hands -- or worse yet -- will be unable to wash my hands without singing that song in my head 25 years from now.

Adventures in Xbox Modding

Tue, 23 May 2006 17:26:27 GMT

Since I can't justify buying a Slim Devices Squeezebox, I started looking for cheaper alternatives. Cheaper meaning something I didn't have to buy and that I already had around the house. I considered putting my file server downstairs, but that also serves as my DVD and CD ripping station and that seemed like a bigger pain in the ass than it was worth. Plus, my file server is a full-sized tower and has roughly a hojillion fans in it. I started pricing out a Home Theater Personal Computer (HTPC) but to build one and configure it was upwards of $600+ easily, and I'd have to learn a bunch of new crap, like how to capture and encode TV programs on the fly.

Then I remembered my original Xbox, which was sitting downstairs. I hadn't used it since ... well, maybe since we moved to Richmond last year. I have been playing my GameCube and my PS2 a lot more. I knew that the Xbox could be modified to do all sorts of neat tricks, like run homebrew code, copy DVDs and games to the hard drive, and jump through hoops of flame. Well, maybe not the last part.

I dusted off the ol' black beast and went to work.

The end goal: Xbox Media Center
The magic bullet for watching video and streaming audio to our televisions would take the form of Xbox Media Center, an open-source project that is so damn good it should be a commercially-produced product. It allows for the decoding of almost any audio or video format one could think of, and
Soft or Hard?
The first thing I had to decide was if I wanted to hardmod or softmod my Xbox. Hardmodding meant buying a special chip and soldering it to the motherboard of my Xbox. You can also buy solderless chips, but I heard that they were fragile and any bumping or serious moving of the Xbox would muck up the solderless hardmod. I wasn't too keen on soldering, so I looked into softmodding. It also has easy-to-use hooks to Xlink Kai, which is a free way to play Xbox games online with other people, local weather, an RSS reader, and all sorts of other stuff. More on that in the future.

Softmodding could be accomplished by an exploit found in a select few original Xbox titles. The short version is that certain versions of MechAssault, 007: Agent Under Fire, and Counterstrike cause a buffer overflow on the Xbox, which allows for running unsigned code. By loading an alternate "dashboard" (essentially the OS for the Xbox), you can run your own code on the Xbox and enable all kinds of new functionality.

Read the fine print
I immediately ran into a few problems with softmodding that I wouldn't have had I chosen to hardmod my Xbox. The first of which was that there are about 100 different HOWTOs on the Web about softmodding. Unfortunately, none of them are 100% up to date, or 100% informative. The tutorials that were more up to date sometimes left of crucial information (more on that later). Tutorials that were very specific often were written two years ago, and as such the steps on what to do after you exploited your Xbox were out of date. I had to consult two different articles and three different forum threads across two boards to get my shit working right.

I chose to use MechAssault to do my softmod. I'm not sure why I chose this game, as it was probably the most complicated choice out of the three options. MechAssault has been released in several "editions," and some of the editions have been fixed so that the softmod exploit won't work. The way to identify which version of the game works is by looking at the serial number on the printed label on the front of the disc. It also means reading the serial number on the disc itself. This last bit was left off of the tutorial I used for the majority of my hack. The article was written in 2005, and I guess the author assumed that by now everyone knew to double check the MechAssault serial in addition to the disc serial.

I walked in to EBGames and went up to the counter. There were three young men working behind the counter, and one of them greeted me and asked me if I needed any help. I wondered if I should make up some bullshit story about wanting to play MechAssault, but I decided that honesty was the best policy here and blurted out, "I want to softmod my Xbox. I'm looking for a certain version of MechAssault." They all smiled in unison and began digging through the used games behind the counter. I looked at the serial number on the front of the disc, it was what I needed. I bought the game for $2.99 used and bought a replacement cable for my Xbox controller ($4) and a memory card ($15). I actually had to come back for the memory card, as I had forgotten that I needed them when I got the game and the cable the first time.

I came home and began the extremely tedious job of hacking my Xbox controller cable to a USB cable. See, Xbox controllers are actually USB devices with a proprietary plug on the end. How Microsoft ;). I spliced a USB cable to the controller cable so that I could copy the exploit files from my computer to the Xbox memory card. I could have bought a pre-made cable for about $10 +shipping on eBay or a commercial version from Circuit City for $30, but it was worth it to me to spend about an hour doing the cable myself.

Okay, so we have the exploit files on the memory card now, and all I have to do is put MechAssault in the Xbox, load the exploited save game, and BOOYAKA we have a softmodded Xbox. No problem -- disc in ... copy save game over ... load save game .... Hrm. "Cannot load save game 'Run Linux.'" It didn't work. Thinking that my homemade cable led to a save game corruption, I took the cable apart, put it back together, and copied the files to the memory card again. Still no dice.

I was at my wits end and was considering doing a hardmod when I went back to one of my other tutorials. That's when I learned that certain versions of MechAssault had the proper game serial on the front of the disc, but were the wrong disc serial on the back. I went back to EBGames, said, "I need a different version of MechAssault," and they gave me what I needed without so much as a smirk.

Okay, so we have the exploit files on the memory card now, and all I have to do is put MechAssault in the Xbox, load the exploited save game, and BOOYAKA we have a softmodded Xbox. No problem -- disc in ... copy save game over ... load save game .... Hey, this time it worked! I was well on the way to backing up the essential default files of my Xbox and installing the new dashboard. Once I had all the right pieces in order, the process was quite fast and easy. I softmodded the Xbox I have for the downstairs in about 10 minutes without a snag.

Ever since I've softmodded my two Xboxes I've been looking for others to join my little club. So far there haven't been any biters. Trust me, if you find someone who's already done it, it will be MUCH easier on you. :)

My worst fear while riding my motorcycle caught on video

Fri, 19 May 2006 17:58:53 GMT

Luckily this isn't me, but someone recently crashed into a deer on their FZ6. This is the same bike I ride, on the same type of roads I ride on. Hitting a deer, by far, is my greatest fear while riding my bike. Partly because they don't give you much time to react and approach from areas we're not accustomed to looking for hostiles (unlike an intersection), but also because hitting a deer on a windy country road means that I might be in a sparsely-traveled section of road, and if I was seriously hurt aid might be a long time coming.

This video is not safe for work, as the rider screams the F word at the end.

Deer vs FZ6

Initial Image-less Check In

Fri, 19 May 2006 04:57:13 GMT

Sometimes my job is fantastic, as I often get in either at project conception and get to talk about strategy and potential features, or in the build phase, when we realize that all those potential features we liked some time ago were really dirty bitches in disguise. It's a great turn of events during a project's life, because some people buckle when the ship starts to sink. I like to think I'm one of the last folks to buckle, and that gives me a warm fuzzy.

However, typing in "Initial Image-less Check In" several dozen times as I update new online documentation is not one of my more technical finest moments. The reason I am posting this is that if I go on a kill-crazy rampage and lipstick "INITIAL IMAGE-LESS CHECK IN" on every victim's mirror then you'll know where it came from.

Sleep tight, gremlins ;)

Holy Fraking Sh

Wed, 17 May 2006 16:04:57 GMT

Some folks have been doing a total conversion mod of the game Freespace 2 to incorporate Battlestar Galactica models. They released a trailer for their unofficial endeavor, and I've hosted it on YouTube for your viewing pleasure. Apparently this demo movie has been around since this January, but it was reposted on Ars recently and therefore got my attention.

Lots of these free total conversion mods are in development, but normally the team releases a trailer, or a Web site with some screen shots, and then the word gets out and they are shut down by the content's parent company. In this case, it's Vivendi/Universal that could put down the hammer on the development team. There is especially a big bru-ha-ha if the parent company has their own video game title coming out. Many Star Wars TCs were squashed by the Hammer of Cease and Desist thanks to LucasArts.

Reminders

Wed, 17 May 2006 01:41:40 GMT

I went up to Rockville today to visit some friends and do a little bit of work, in that order. I used to go up on Fridays, but with Lady Jaye working doubles these days, it's a bit more difficult to arrange for dogs sitters than it is for me to drive up on a different day.

I was reminded why I didn't like living up in the DC area. After a doctor's appointment, I thought I would swing by Costco to get some 2 pound bags of coffee beans from our favorite roastery, Mayorga. The parking lot was almost completely full, even at 2:30PM. The checkout line was six counters across and probably ten customers deep. The center two lines (always the longest), were backed up past the first two aisles of merchandise. I made a quick circle around the front part of the store and made my exit; I didn't feel like standing in line for 20 minutes like I used to when I lived here, and I had a meeting with The Captain at 3.

The real kicker was being held hostage by the rush hour traffic. Instead of coming home as soon as my work was done, I stayed in town until a little past 7. Luckily configuratrix and a_sleepy_panda were kind enough to keep me company and have coffee with me until it was relatively safe to leave town. Even then, traffic was still pretty heavy around 495 and 95 until I passed Fredericksburg. Still, I made it from RKV to the house in a little under 2 hours.

Oh well, I still had a nice trip, and now I'm glad to be home with the doggies!

Have the Specialist Do It

Fri, 12 May 2006 22:05:12 GMT

Thanks to Lady Jaye's very Han Solo-like "I have a bad feeling about this" regarding my 2005 tax return, I asked my CPA friend from NoVA to take a look at my 2005 taxes. He said that I claimed my employee stock sale incorrectly, which is why I owed the .gov $1600 more than I planned for this year. Thanks to my soon-to-be-completed amended return, I should get about $2100 back from the Fed, and who knows if I'll get more back from VA and Maryland. Whew! With those taxes and other unplanned for expenses, money has been tighter than I like around here.

If I Can't Ride ....

Thu, 11 May 2006 19:26:44 GMT

It's muggy as hell outside with a 70% chance of thunderstorms, so I'm not going out on my bike today. I am proud to say that I met my goal of 3000 miles by the end of April. I know it's the second week of May, but I have been too busy playing EVE, hanging out with Lady Jaye, and riding Cylon to really post about my milestone.

I thought I'd share a few of the things I've learned during my first 3000 miles on a motorcycle.

I feel safer on the highway than I do on surface streets. Sure, I'm going two to three times the speed on the highway, but there aren't any intersections, and on-ramps and off-ramps are predictable. The scariest part of every ride is a blind left-hand sweeper on the last street before my house. There's an intersection there (only going to the right), and I've seen many cars start to make the turn in the opposite direction without looking. I've had two cars start to pull out in front of me and slam on their brakes at the last minute. It's one of the few places where I count on having to do some evasive maneuvers. The highway has none such spooky spots.

Parking in downtown Richmond is a pain in the ass, especially in the Shockoe Slip area with all of the cobblestones and uneven pavement. Cary street is so messed up that if I park on the right hand side of the street, the dropoff is so steep I can't extend my kickstand.

The wind generated at 100MPH+ feels less than at around 75 - 85MPH. This does not help my compulsion to drive faster.

Most people on bikes are jackass squids who don't wear enough protective gear. Beyond the completely obvious jacknuts who ride around with shorts, tshirts, sneakers and no gloves (just a helmet), I am continually pissed off by older riders wearing nothing but jeans and tshirts. If you're not going to wear enough gear to protect yourself, at least wear enough gear to protect my insurance premium. The added expense of treating road rash and skin grafting hurts all of us.

I get less shit from cruiser/Harley-style riders now that I have my saddlebags and tail bag on all the time. They are much more likely to wave now than even two months ago.

Riding all winter and getting frostbite has earned me some cred from fellow riders. This goes along with my distaste for squids, but as soon as most riders dusted off their FZ6s for the spring a lot of them crashed. Out of the six or seven crash threads during the first two weeks of good weather, only one of them was from someone with a lot of experience who rode all season.

The toes of my left foot get numb sometimes when I'm on the interstate for a long time. I think it might be the vibration, coupled with my leg position.

Riding a bike is an experience unlike any other I've ever experienced. Just riding to see Lady Jaye yesterday was a joy ... a fleet horse, the wind in my hair, a falcon at my wrist ... WRONG, CONAN! I meant to say, smelling the fresh honeysuckle, the warm night air curling underneath my helmet, leaning around corners. All of these things and more make riding a bike much more interactive than when I'm driving a car. Even when I am behind the wheel of Inara.

Stay shiny side up.

Motorola E815 Review

Wed, 10 May 2006 22:37:21 GMT

Near the turn of the year I was able to get a new phone through Verizon Wireless at new customer prices via their "new every two" program. I had always envied the phones available on Cingular with bluetooth and (by now, common) speaker phone, voice activate dialing, etc. Verizon has a very good network where I live, but the phones are a bit behind the technology curve.

I had really wanted the LG VX-9800 but after seeing it I discarded it from my list. The phone is very, very large by today's standards. Putting it in my pocket was out of the question, as I wasn't about to field questions about "is that your VX-9800, or are you just happy to see me?" The quest continued for a phone that had the features I was looking for.

The short list of features, in no particular order:

MP3 ringtones

Bluetooth

Clamshell/flip design

Good text messaging capabilities

Mobile Web access

Ability to show pictures/play movies

Less than $100 with my New Every Two promotion

I'd rather have good transmission over features

As with anything these days, it's hard to find a phone with just what I wanted. Out of the phones that Verizon carries, Motorola and Nokia are considered the best (in general) for phone reception. That knocked LG immediately off the list. Lady Jaye had an LG phone, and it would frequently drop calls where I could consistently make them from my then-carried Samsung. Speaking of Samsung, they were culled from my list because they didn't have any bluetooth phones through Verizon that also played MP3s.

The phone
I did a search on good old Ars Technica and was able to narrow down my candidates even further: without going to a Treo-type device, my best bet was the Motorola E815.

Shots of my E815, next to a quarter for size comparison.

The E815 had everything I wanted, including some features I could care less about, like a camera/videocam. The phone is a bit larger than my Samsung, and I wound up deciding to wear the phone on a leather belt holster instead of jamming it into my pocket. I didn't want the external display to get scratched up anyway.

The E815 has two very bright displays, and the internal (larger) display is quite vibrant. As you can see here, the E815 allows you to set your own desktop wallpaper. This is a function common on many of the current-gen phones out there, but even this was impossible on my 18-month old Samsung phone.

I took a picture of the Pets.com stuffed animal I have in my office and set it to be my desktop wallpaper.

The hardware features
The E815 is a damn awesome phone. Text messaging is a total breeze thanks to its iTAP predictive fingerboarding system. For example, if I want to text the word "test," I would start by tapping the 8 key for the letter "t." I then tap the 3 key for the letter "e," and then the 7 key for the letter "s." By now, the bottom of my text composition application displays my choices: "Tes," "Ver," "Ter," and "Ves." I also have the option of using the up arrow key to autocomplete to "Test." I'm not sure what determines what is offered as an autocomplete. I find myself autocompleting "tomorrow" quite frequently after just spelling out "tomo."

iTAP learns words that you enter through the old "one key, may keypresses" text entry method, or by expanding upon suggested words. For example, I play a game called EVE with Bond. One of the ships I fly is called a caracal. iTAP didn't have the word "caracal" in its predictive dictionary, but after typing it out longhand in one message the phone added it for the next message. It makes me grin to see the off-color words and terms my buddies use come up in the text messaging window.

The phone's address book is OK, although I wish that Motorola followed a page out of Samsung's book. My Samsung book would have one entry per person, with different categories for home, mobile, office, fax, pager, etc. The Motorola address book has one entry per person's contact type. Instead of one entry for Lady Jaye with child entries for mobile and office, I have two entries for her on my Motorola: Lady Jaye with a cell phone next to it, and Lady Jaye with an office building next to it. This is particularly annoying for contacts like my boss, whom I have two mobile phone entries, an office entry, and a home entry for. He's in my address book four times. It makes quick-keying for other like-named contacts a pain in the ass. Sorry Captain, nothing personal ;)

The one thing I really dislike about the phone, and this is a HUGE dislike, is that there are four multifunction keys on the sides of the phone, two per side. The two on the left side of the phone control the ringer volume and the ringer style. For some reason, the phone goes from my preferred "vibrate then ring" to "silent" against my wishes. I think it's when I sit down in a car or a chair with arms on it, and the buttons are being depressed through my leather case. It's fucking annoying, and has happened with enough regularity that I am now compulsively checking my phone to see if the ringer has been changed to "silent." The only option is to lock the handset, but that also disables bluetooth headset functionality, like answering and voice dialing.

The phone on the E815 is serviceable, I guess. I don't expect much from a camera phone, so I'm not pissed off when the pictures look like they were taken by a midget slathered in vasoline. The videocam function is a joke. I think you can film 15 seconds of horribly blurry video. The E815 has a 4x digital zoom, but since the actual lens can't focus a zoom of any kind is worthless. Two thumbs down, but that's okay, as I wasn't too concerned about taking pictures with my camera.

The speaker phone is pretty loud and clear. The one thing I don't like about it is that the E815 will keep speaker phone mode enabled until you turn it off again. Not a big deal, but it did take some getting used to.

The network service
My new phone is EVDO/VCAST capable. EVDO is Verizon's broadband wireless data transmission network. VCAST is Verizon's wireless broadband content service. I received a free month of VCAST when I activated my phone. You can download music and other stuff via VCAST. It was pretty cool being able to watch ESPN clips or news shows on my phone while I was waiting somewhere, but I knew that once my free month was over I was going to cancel the service.

I really liked the idea of putting my own MP3s, ringtones, pictures, and movies onto my phone. The E815 has a transflash media slot, and I bought a 512MB transflash solid state media card from Newegg.com about two weeks after buying my phone. You can email ringtones to yourself as text messages, but that's a bit of a hassle. I prefer transferring media directly from the memory card. In order to transfer videos from your desktop to your phone (or someone else's) you would otherwise have to use Verizon's VZWpix.com and pay $0.25 per message.

The EVDO service itself is a bit flaky, at least in my area. I have sent pix and videos to Lady Jaye and pix to my friend Bond a few times, and any time there is bad weather the file transfers are pretty iffy. The phone is supposed to default to the standard speed, "1X" service if EVDO isn't available, but I think when it comes to sending messages the phone just takes a dump instead of downstreaming to the 1X network. I wish the transfer protocol was more like MODEM handshaking, where the sender and receiver negotiated the highest quality of service upon each transfer.

I have dropped very, very few calls with my E815. I am not entirely sure if the ones I did drop were my fault or because of the other party. I know that of the 5 or 6 dropped calls I've had at least two were while the other caller was in their car. I can place and receive calls in all sorts of stairwells, elevators, and deep sea diving bells. Well, at least the first two places. The reception and voice quality is at least as good as my Samsung, of which I was very pleased. Since I bought Lady Jaye an E815 off of eBay she hasn't dropped any calls to my knowledge. I used to hear her screaming at her old LG phone when she was talking with her family. Whew.

Bluetooth
I'm saving some of this for my bluetooth headset review, but setting up the bluetooth on my phone was a snap. The phone enters a discovery mode and searches for any bluetooth devices within a small area. I set my headset to broadcast mode, and a few seconds later I had an easily paired headset and handset. I leave my phone on with bluetooth enabled, and it doesn't seem to cut down on battery life too much. I could disable bluetooth functionality, but that would mean I would have to re-pair the headset and handset whenever I traveled.

Holy shit this is a long and disjointed review
Okay, on to the infamous bullets:
Celltacular!

Reliable, clear reception and call transmission.

Fast, easy text messaging: I sent and received over 300 messages last month.

Customizable interface through skins, 3 of which are included on the phone, the rest are for-pay or for-free depending on where you find them. You can also change/enable/disable the four shortcut applications on the main menu.

Pretty decent battery life; I get about three or four days of light calling and heavy texting out of a charge. I found that enabling the global GPS option drained my battery life fairly quickly.

Colorful, bright screens. Almost too bright, one night Lady Jaye and I woke up with the motherfucking bat signal on in our bedroom. Turns out our two phones were recharging face-up and were lighting up the bedroom almost enough to read by ;)

Craptacular!

Those four fucking side-mounted buttons have to go.

The phone is a bit thick. I think mine came with an extended life battery. Lady Jaye's E815 is a bit thinner.

The Verizon web browser doesn't use iTAP, which sucks. I can understand why (phone neutrality), but it makes emailing people from my phone a pain in the ass. Oh well, at least I can still read my Gmail and any Word attachments.

Bottom line: If you are in the market for a new Verizon phone, this is the non-smartphone to get.

Motorola E815, I iTAP out
Four and a half out of five STFU mugs!

[TIW] Stanley Tools FUBAR Functional Utility Bar

Sun, 07 May 2006 20:58:34 GMT

This would be a lot higher on my "eventually buy" list if it had a hatchet/machete blade on it somewhere, but the Stanley Tools FUBAR is a multi-purpose tool that has a prybar end, a hammer head, and a grippy-thingy head.

This would come in handy during a zombie outbreak, except for the lack of a damn blade surface. Oh well, a cheap $6 Cold Steel machete would take care of that, but I just hate the idea of packing two tools instead of one.

If That Best Buy Employee Acts Too Friendly ....

Tue, 02 May 2006 21:09:41 GMT

You're in Best Buy, and see a fellow in a blue shirt, khakis, and black shoes. You know, the Best Buy uniform. He's friendly, smiles, doesn't try to run away from you when you approach. What gives?

If you live in Manhattan, chances are it may not be a Best Buy employee, but a member of Improve Everywhere on their latest stunt. Around 80 people in Best Buy logo-free blue polos filed into the Manhattan store within 15 minutes of each other. The post-op write up would make a SWAT team proud, including redundant video and digital camera footage, what went right, and what went wrong.

It's a great read, and the videos are pretty interesting as well.

Be Prepared -- Making Drip Coffee the Gibberish Way

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 18:32:53 GMT

I love coffee. LOOOOVE coffee. If I could, I'd drink coffee all day. Unfortunately my trainer and body think it's better for me to drink a lot of water, and not as much Blood of Life™.

I thought I'd put together a short guide on how I like to make coffee, along with some "optional" steps if you are trying to be extra fancy. My preferred method does involve some equipment that you may not have already, but trust me, it will be worth it. I have been spending time at Starbuck's lately while I'm out on my bike. That shiz is expensive! If you just save your money you'd otherwise spend on a regular coffee or Americano-type drink then you should be able to afford most of this in short order.

Part One: The Coffee Maker
Coffee makers are fucking complicated these days. Internal water filters, different basket types, different heating elements, built-in grinder, built-in thermal carafes, timers, digital clocks, GPS, space-based laser guiding, holy shit. The best coffee maker I own was $39 from Target. The next best coffee maker I've ever owned was a $10 generic blue-box special I bought ... also at Target. Hrm. Maybe someone at Target also likes coffee.

Regardless if you like your coffee machine plain white, stainless steel, robotic, demonic, hypnotic, whatever, your coffee machine must have a cone-shaped filter. This is an absolute must, as cone-shaped filters result in a more even brewing process. Basket-shaped filters will not fully and equally distribute enough water through the grounds, resulting in an inconsistent taste.

Another nice feature to have is a stainless steel heating element. My current coffee machine has this, and it brews the coffee at a higher temperature than conventional copper heating elements found in most coffee makers. The ideal brewing temperature of coffee is between 190 - 205 degrees F.

Part Two: Garbage In, Garbage Out
The water you put into your coffee machine is very important. Brewed coffee is 90% water, so if you are pulling water straight from your tap you're going to get inconsistent-tasting coffee. Even if your tap water tastes "good," it will have impurities that may influence each pot you throw. Well water is a great example of this -- even though it tastes much better on average than tap water, it has all sorts of minerals in it. We use a conventional Brita filter here at the house, an idea system would be an in-counter ceramic reverse osmosis purifier. Regardless of the source, use cold water.

I always, always, always brew 10 cups of coffee. Don't brew 4. Don't brew 12. Brew 10. I measure out four level coffee scoops (that's 8 tablespoons) per 10 cups of water, as indicated by the carafe. The worst thing you can do is fuck with your ratio of water to coffee. You may want to adjust the amount of coffee you put in the filter basket, based on if you like strong or weak coffee, or if you are brewing a dark or light roast, or depending on the bean variety. Stick with 10 cups of water always, at least one thing will be constant. Consistency is the key to good tasting coffee.

Part Three: Grind Like a Teenage Girl in Aruba
Grind your beans as close as you can before brewing. If you have leftover ground coffee, store it in an air-tight container out of direct sunlight. DO NOT store your coffee, in bean or ground form, in the freezer. The moisture in the coffee will freeze and your coffee will suffer. This is a common mistake.

Here's where things can get expensive. Don't use a traditional $10 - 20 "chopper" style coffee blender to grind your coffee. As explained in my Solis Maestro Plus coffee mill review, you need to own a conical burr grinder coffee mill to get a consistent grind. My Solis was about $150, however you can find lesser quality (but still serviceable) grinders from places like ... Target. Hrm.

Part Four: Filters
This isn't such a big deal, but I figured it was worth mentioning. I use the Earth-unfriendly bleached white paper filters. I have used unbleached filters in the past, and I have used filters made out of recycled baby diapers or whatever in the past also. I have also tried the metal-foil reusable filters. The metal filters suck, and I couldn't tell the difference between the three types of paper filters, except for the slight taste of baby powder while using the recycled ones. Just kidding. We buy our filters in bulk from Costco. It's like $5 for a hojillion. If you want to be a real coffee snob, pre-moisten your filter before adding the grounds. This way your machine doesn't have to use water to wet the filter that would otherwise go towards brewing the coffee.

Part Five: Heat is the Enemy
The heat from the hot plate on your coffee maker begins to break down your lovingly-crafted brew immediately. As soon as possible, move your coffee to a glass-lined thermal carafe. The stainless steel versions suck. They won't keep your coffee for hot nearly as long, and I swear I can taste the metal when coffee is stored inside a stainless steel carafe. The absolute worst vessel is plastic lined. Yuck.

Make sure you pre-heat your glass-lined carafe with hot water while your coffee is brewing. Otherwise you will cool your coffee as it heats up the inside of the carafe. Your coffee will also stay hotter longer if you pre-heat the carafe. The ideal temperature at which to drink coffee is between 170 and 180 degrees F. Lady Jaye likes her coffee cooler, but for me, the hotter the better.

The glass-lined coffee pot I own was a $10 Thermos brand job I bought at Target (holy shit, are they a cult?). I have permanently benched my two stainless steel restaurant-style carafes. I would only use those if company couldn't be trusted to not break the glass inside the Thermos.

Whew, I guess that's it. To summarize:

Use a coffee machine with a cone-shaped filter.

Always use cold, filtered/bottled water. Always use 10 cups of water.

Mill your coffee from room-temperature beans using a conical burr mill as closely as you can to when you brew your coffee.

Transfer the finished pot of coffee to a glass-lined thermal container as soon as possible.

Try not to spill that shit on your crotch. It hurts. Trust me.